The Flyers Are Coming

This weekend I received a campaign flyer from a Reb who I’m almost certainly going to vote for as our state Assembly representative. Even though I am going to vote for him, this flyer is a prime example of how vapid American politics has become.

The cover is nice – good picture of a relaxed guy with no tie and a simple invitation that says, “Let’s Talk.” Good start. I also note that there’s no indication of party affiliation, which has become a standard means to get recipients to open these flyers rather than round file them.

Inside, we begin with a 196-word “Dear Voter” letter. It begins with a joke by saying, “I am an independent businessman not a politician or a bureaucrat.” That’s pretty damn funny. Of course, it wasn’t intended to be funy. My simple mind leaps to this logic – if you’re running for political office for the first time, then you’re trying to become a politician. You’re aspiring to be the very thing that you’re criticizing. The idea that someone can hold political office and not be a politician is just silly. It’s also a hackneyed comment because every rookie in the political farm system uses this introduction. If this guy wins, he won’t make the same statement the next time he runs. Besides, shouldn’t we be supporting political candidates who actually want to become politicians?

The next sentence tells us, “For more than 30 years, I have lived, worked, and raised a family in Kern County.” There’s not much there to set him apart from a couple hundred thousand other people. Then he finally opens his London Fog coat to reveal, “I am a real Republican who believes in the foundations and values of the Republican Party.” Finally, I can relax. He’s not a fake Reb; he’s a real one. What the hell does that mean? Every Reb and every Dim thinks that they’re the real deal. I’m also a little troubled by the word picture that depicts a party with multiple foundations. Shouldn’t there be just one foundation? Does this suggest interchangeable foundations, tailored to meet each building occasion?

Next we read the always popular bullet list of things he’s going to do in the Assembly with his “30 years of business experience and common sense”. First, I’m impressed that he’s already racked up 30 years of common sense. That’s something that I and almost everyone my age have yet to achieve. This guy is my age, so now I know how unique he is. But, I digress; back to the bullets. They’re blanks – lots of noise; but no impact. They’re threadbare statements of ultimate outcome, repeated time and time again in almost every political race by – you guessed it – politicians! See, it took less than 200 words for this guy to become what he said he wasn’t in his first sentence. You can’t dip your finger in the ink well without getting it stained.

He doesn’t utter a word about what he intends to do to achieve these outcomes; perhaps because he doesn’t know what he’ll do. After all, if he knew, why wouldn’t he tell us? Because he knows that if he tells us, then he might reveal too much and that’s just never a good idea in a campaign. Real politicians (i.e., real Rebs and real Dims) don’t ever tell you what they’re actually going to do. They just promise that they're going to make the world a better place.

Now that I think of it, there’s another joke buried in this flyer. It’s the one about a rookie politician thinking that he’s going to arrive on the capitol scene and do anything that really matters. Pretty funny, huh. First, this guy will be part of a decidedly minority party in the Golden State. Rebs in Sacramento don’t really do much of anything these days except scream “bloody murder” at every mugging they receive in the alley behind the capitol building. Second, this guy will get introduced to his minority leader and minority whip and they will explain to him what he’s going to do and not do as a brand new politician. Rookies – you just have to love them because they’re so darn cute.

But, I digress; back to the bullets, which include: reduce the power and influence of big government; support tax caps; protect our resources; support our teachers and education for children; support free enterprise and create jobs; be tough on crime; protect our property. Yawn. No one since Joseph Stalin has run on the opposite of these statements. So, at this point, all we know is that this guy is not a communist.

Now we come to the closing in his letter. It’s special. We’re told that, as an Assembly member, he “will question the status quo, work hard, use my 30 years of business experience and common sense to improve and maintain the quality of life for all citizens in Kern County.” Gosh, where do we start? He’s going to question the status quo, not change it; just question it. That must be some kind of existential exercise. At least he’s going to work hard at it, which at first blush seems like a good thing. But, wait, if politicians are slime buckets, as this candidate implies, then shouldn’t we look for ones who aren’t hard working? Wouldn’t a lazy politician be better for us?

I really love that fact that this man is going to maintain and improve our quality of life, both at the same time. Quite a trick, actually. It seems like he’d have to pick one or the other, because if he does one I’m not sure how he’s going to claim that he’s done the other. But, then, I’m not a politician. The real magic is that he’s going to do this for every citizen in the county, which is something no other person in the history of politics has pulled off. Improving the quality of life for the rich and the poor; the healthy and the sick; the old and the young; the well educated and the uneducated; the teachers and the students; the urban and the rural dwellers; the Rebs and the Dims; the laborers and the managers; the public and the private sector employees; the wise and the stupid; the givers and the takers; the greedy and the generous; the selfish and the selfless – well, that’s just not going to happen so spare us the rhetoric.

There are several more panels in this flyer but they're more of the same – i.e., less than hoped for. Just empty words and posed pictures. At least there’s a picture of the candidate with his wife and his dog. The dog appears pretty old. The wife appears very young; young enough to be his daughter. She may be the best reason in this flyer to vote for this man. I wonder if she wants to be married to a politician.

Remember, I am going to vote for this candidate. I can’t wait to get a campaign flyer from one of the bevy of losers that I’m not going to vote for.