Rocky Mountain Low ... in Colorado

When Ted Haggard, the former leader of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and a dedicated gay basher at the pulpit, was found to be a crystal meth user and a customer of a male prostitute over a three-year period, I didn’t say anything about it here. I knew that I would end up writing just another snide rant about yet another case of gross hypocrisy in the ranks of conservative leaders in the evangelical and Republican national arenas.

But, there was one scene in the Haggard story that was very painful to watch. It evoked something other than criticism or ridicule; it evoked sorrow. The scene happened when a reporter interviewed Haggard as he was preparing to drive somewhere with his family. It was in this interview that Haggard admitted to buying the meth but claimed he never used it (thereby invoking the Bill Clinton “I never inhaled” defense), and admitted to having received massages from the male prostitute but claimed there was no sexual contact (thereby invoking yet another Clinton defense).

As these denials rolled off his tongue with ease, Haggard had this big, broad, somewhat odd smile on his face – his omnipresent media smile; the smile of a pastor supposedly at peace with himself and the story he was telling. His wife was sitting in the seat next to him and his two children were in the back seat. There were no smiles on their faces; there was no hint of peace in their eyes. They appeared trapped in a mire of stunned disbelief and humiliation. It was hard to watch; I felt genuinely sorry for them.

Haggard later confessed that he’d had sex with the male prostitute. In that confession he made a statement that allowed me to get just enough of glimpse behind the prosthetic smile to begin to find sorrow for him as well. He said, “There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life.” You can’t hear someone describe a part of their life as repulsive and speak of being at war with themselves all of their adult life, and not feel sorrow and pity.

Why bring this up now, more than a month after the Haggard affair? This last weekend, Paul Barnes, the 54-year old founding pastor of a second Colorado evangelical mega-church, resigned after confessing that he’d had sex with other men. Barnes confessed to an associate pastor at Grace Chapel in Englewood after the church “received a call last week”. Barnes led Grace Chapel for 28 years. Like Haggard, he’s married and has two children.

In words reminiscent of Haggard’s confession, Barnes said in his videotaped confession that, ''I have struggled with homosexuality since I was a 5-year-old boy. ... I can't tell you the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this away.'' When I read that sentence I felt the same sorrow that I felt for the Haggard family. It’s unbelievably sad. And it’s unbelievably unnecessary.

The associate pastor at Grace said in a written statement that, ''While we cannot condone what he has done, we continue to support and love Paul.'' Uh-huh – love and support. I’m sure that the expectation of love and support at church is what has kept Haggard secretly at war with his repulsive self and Barnes secretly struggling, crying and begging God for deliverance since he was five years old. What both of them knew was waiting for them at church was moral judgment and shame, with an underlying current of loathing. See, I knew the snide rant would leak out if I took the lid off this subject.

I don’t know how anyone can read the two quotes above, along with countless others just like them from other previously closeted Christian gays and lesbians, and still hold to the position that homosexuality is a choice – just another “lifestyle” on the menu – and an abominable and sinful lifestyle choice, at that.

Isn’t it blatantly obvious that five-year old boys don’t select a God-damned lifestyle; five-year old boys don’t opt for a God-damned sexuality.

Isn’t it equally obvious that if these good Christian men, and I’m still going to call them that, can struggle all of their adult life or can beg God for deliverance from self-revulsion from the age of five, then homosexuality isn’t something that God is going to change or “take away” from them any more than s/he is going to change the color of their eyes, hair or skin. If there’s no deliverance from this purported abomination for the likes of Haggard and Barnes, then who is the fortunate recipient of the willful grace of their discriminating God?

I’ve seen or heard dozens of homosexuals say that they first felt their sexual orientation in pre-adolescence. If, like Barnes, they recall feeling it at five, then wasn’t it there at four, at three – at birth. I’m convinced that it’s just a matter of time before we have scientific proof that our sexual orientation is genetically hardwired in each of us, not that such proof will dissuade those who frequently ignore sound science because well-known, “well-respected men of God” have told them otherwise.

Some might want to spend a little time getting further acquainted with a few gay and lesbian Christians through websites such as: Christianlesbians.com and Gaychristian.net.

I feel sorrow for people like Haggard and Barnes. They’re good people trying to live good lives as best they know how. But, they’re also desperate souls trapped in a dogmatic snare of their own construction, only they’ve projected their creation onto their anthropomorphic vision of God and now suffer deeply as a result. It’s unbelievably sad, and unbelievably unnecessary.

I pray that God will finally remove their revulsion, end their struggle, dry their tears, answer their prayerful begging, and somehow introduce them to their true selves – and at the same time introduce them for the first time to the God who made them who and what they are.

May they find peace with their Creator and with his creation. May they come to the conclusion that God did not make a dark and repulsive mistake when s/he made them who and what they are. Their God is bigger and better than that.