Looney Tunes, I Tell Ya, Looney Tunes!

You gotta love politicians. You just do. They say and do things that you can’t make up – well, you can make ‘em up, but no one would believe ‘em. One of the traits that makes politicians most endearing is that these varmints will say whatever is necessary at the moment, no matter how untruthful or inconsistent it may be with what they’ve said or done before or what they’ll say or do later. The only thing that matters is that they survive the immediate challenge and live to shoot their mouth off another day.

On Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor, Mitt Romney, was speaking in New Hampshire, where gun totin’ and hunting are pretty popular – not Texas level popular, but enough that any self-respecting candidate who goes there feels obligated to give a tip-of-the-hat to shooting stuff. Sensing the challenge, Romney puffed up his chest and declared, "I purchased a gun when I was a young man. I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." Yep; pretty much, pardner.

The sun hadn’t gone down on the next day before his campaign had to acknowledge that he has been on two – count ‘em, two – hunting trips. The first one was when he bought that gun at age 15 and the second and last one was just last year. Pressed for the gory details about the trophy heads that might be mounted on this lifelong hunter’s wall, the campaign said Romney hunted rabbits in Idaho as a teenager and shot at least one quail with GOP donors at a game preserve in Georgia in 2006. Thus the image of Elmer Fudd, the biggest and baddest of all rabbit hunters, suddenly bursts upon the American political scene in the guise of a Massachusetts Mormon who is undoubtedly fond of saying, "Shhhhhhhh, be vewy vewy quiet; I'm hunting wabbits, heheheheheheh."

On Thursday, the Mittster donned his orange vest, reloaded his ammo belt, chambered another round, and took a second shot at describing his hunting experience. He said he has hunted “small game” since his youth. "I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear," he said, without making it very clear exactly when and where he’s made that very clear. "I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will.”

Cue now the endearing image of Yosemite Sam, the biggest and baddest of all varmint hunters, thereby confirming that American politics is just another version of Looney Tunes! I wonder how many times Mitt drew down on a cottontail and exclaimed, “Say yer prayers, varmint! I'm a-gonna blow you to smithereens!” See, you can’t make this stuff up. If only Mel Blanc were alive to enjoy this.

“I began when I was 15 or so and I have hunted those kinds of varmints since then,” the governor continued. Sensing he was surrounded by skeptics at this point, he added, “More than two times."

We’ll assume that more than two means at least three, with no less than one Berkshires safari being focused separately on rabbit, quail and the always popular Mount Greylock rodents. I’ve never heard anyone include rodents on the “small game” list, but then I’ve never hunted in Massachusetts.

On Wednesday, Romney’s campaign spokesman said that Romney wasn't trying to mislead anyone on Tuesday.

To prove that point beyond a shadow of a doubt, the spokesman began to tout Romney's public support of gun-ownership rights. Just as real hunters might not regard rodents as small game, they might not regard Mitt’s history of supporting gun control as being the equivalent of supporting gun-ownership rights. But then I’ve never looked up the definition of those rights under Massachusetts law.

You see, when Romney ran for the Senate in 1994 (one of the few Rebs who wasn’t successful in that election), he backed the Brady law and a ban on assault rifles. As governor, he supported strict gun-control laws and signed into law one of the toughest assault weapons laws in the country.

On Friday, the Romney campaign spokesman made no statement about whether Romney was trying to mislead anyone on Thursday or whether the spokesman was trying to mislead anyone on Wednesday.

In fairness, it should be noted that Romney is a proud, card-carrying member of the National Rifle Association. In further fairness, it should be noted that he joined the NRA just last August. In the furthest of fairness, it should be noted that he joined last August as a "Lifetime" member – which now allows Mitt to claim that he’s been an NRA supporter even longer than he’s been a hunter. After all, his lifetime is certainly longer than just pretty much all his life.

Bang! Gotcha, you varmint!

That’s All, Folks!