Don't Ever Flip Me The Bird, Harry!

I told you Dick Cheney is a scary guy! I told you there’s something cold and calculating about him! He shoots old people!

Poor old Harry Whittington; it appears he was just trying to search for the vice president’s kill, but he did so without a warrant and that really pissed off Mr. Vice. Warrants are an issue with him.

Another rumor is that immediately prior to the shooting Harry made the mistake of asking about gay cowboys in Wyoming, a subject the VP is a little sensitive about right now, it being the award season in Hollywood and all.

Sooner or later it will leak to the press that Mr. Vice and his party were not hunting quail as initially reported – they were gunning for doves. The quail simply made the mistake of being in the wrong place at the wrong time – that being on the left side of the road in Texas.

We now have indisputable proof that Washington is being run by the notorious Gang Who Can’t Shoot Straight. Once again, someone in power yelled, “Read – fire – aim!” We also now have proof that guns don’t kill people – politicians with guns kill people.

Scooter Libby has quoted Mr. Vice as saying, “You have to cover your backside, Scoots, because the greatest danger comes from those who are behind you.” Supposedly Mr. Vice told Harry, “Stay out front where I can see you, Harry.” Now that I think of it, when Scooter’s little legal problem hit the news he was on crutches. Did anyone check to see if he’d been shot in the kneecaps?

Fortunately for Harry, Mr. Vice travels at all times with an 87-member medical team, a heavily armored Humvee ambulance, and a life-flight helicopter equipped with two door-mounted 50-cal. machine guns. The medical team is there because Mr. Vice’s life is pretty much a continuous near-death experience. The heavy armor is there because hunting is a dangerous sport in Texas; they’re deadly serious about shooting stuff.

Harry is an attorney. Mr. Vice has been displeased with the pace of tort reform in Congress so it appears that he’s settled on a time honored method for bringing lawyers under control. If Harry were an oil man, then the gun control lobby in Texas would finally have a poster child for their flagging campaign.

Mr. Vice has championed deep cuts in Medicare and Social Security payments, believing that old people are costing us too much and producing too little for the supply-side in return. It appears that he’s licensed to “thin the herd” by culling out the oldest and weakest among us.

There’s probably no truth to the rumor that Harry asked for better body armor before entering the field with Mr. Vice. After all, Cheney has been quoted as telling the troops, “Suck it up; the bad guys can still shoot you in the face, no matter what kind of body armor you have on!”

Mr. Harry has said from his heavily guarded hospital bed that he will have no comment for the press, “Out of respect for Mr. Cheney.” No shit, dude! Your mamma taught you to never use the name of your lord in vain. When he’s finally released from custody, we expect Harry to claim that the red holes in his face are a bad case of adult onset acne. That might be the truth, when you think about it, because Mr. Vice usually shoots people from behind.

I think Mr. Vice is probably just fed up with people who fail to get behind a bush when the shooting starts.

One good thing has come from this unfortunate incident – the Bush administration has finally found the weapon of mass destruction it’s been looking for. Now we can bring home the troops, so they can protect all the doves, and the errant quail, in America.

Thanks for falling through the ice, Dick. This might otherwise have been a slow day, with Apollo Anton Ono only slipping on the ice in Torino and Michelle Kwan coming home in order to avoid slipping on the ice.