Sifting the Gitmo Sand

Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, which is probably more important to our freedom than the Patriot Act, we're now learning about the prisoner potpourri we've accumulated in Gitmo Bay, a broad band of international warriors that Donald Rumsfeld called "the worst of the worst". First, and perhaps foremost, it seems beyond dispute that we have indeed captured some seriously bad banditos and they are where they should be - in an equally serious slammer. Second, and perhaps foremost, it also appears that we may have captured some people who pose less threat to freedom in America than the ganglion cyst known as Fox News.

No, I'm not being snide. Did you catch the clip of Bill O'Reilly doing his best impersonation of the Taliban Director of Information last week? A guy named Mike, from Orlando, called Bill's Fox News radio show and, as posted on O'Reilly's website on March 2, said: "Hey, Bill; I appreciate you taking my call. I like listening to you during the day. I think Keith Olbermann's show (the host of Countdown on MSNBC)...." That's it. O'Reilly interrupted, hit the "dump" button, and said, "There you go Mike. He's a gone guy."

Then we hear a clearly unbalanced Bill go berserk. Bill tells Mike, who is now back in the listener-only mode, that he has Mike's phone number; that it will be turned over to Fox security; that Mike will be "getting a little visit"; and that Mike is likely to "get in big trouble". O'Reilly then advises all his listeners that if any caller says anything "untoward, obscene or anything like that" the caller's phone number will be referred to Fox security, who will contact "your local authorities" and the caller will be "held accountable". This nut job must mourn the demise of the Soviet KGB. Can we get Bill a special suite in Gitmo Bay, because if extremists like him were to take over America we'd be a full-blown police state with Truth Squads roaming the streets looking to "hold accountable" anyone who says something the commissars consider untoward, or "anything like that".

But, I digress; back to Gitmo and its lower-level captives. It appears that we may have locked up a Pakistani chicken farmer named Abdur Sayed Rahman because we think he is Abdur Zahid Rahman, the former deputy foreign minister for the Taliban. Hey, to us, all Abdurs and Rahmans look the same; and who could ever figure out the difference between a Sayed and a Zahid? Another guy was told he earned his free pass to Gitmo because he was wearing a green army jacket at the wrong time in the wrong place. I guess that guy's mom never told him that clothing is often the first impression we make on people during an interview - especially an interview for a position as a 25-to-life prisoner. Then there's the prisoner detained for wearing a Casio watch, because Casio watches are the preferred detonating devices for IEDs. Under that arrest protocol, if the insurgents prefer whitey-tighty Jockey shorts then there's a boat load of bad guys yet to be locked up. We're going to need a bigger Gitmo!

The released documents also introduce us to an Afghan named Muhibullah who got arrested for being either a former Taliban provincial governor or for having worked for that governor. The "either/or" approach to law enforcement is a new twist. That's like saying you're either George Bush or Karl Rove; either way, you're screwed. Muhibullah, apparently still in possession of his good sense, suggested to the panel of American officers reviewing his case that they should contact the governor in question and ask him. The panel, apparently no longer in possession of their good sense, responded by saying: "It's up to the detainee to do that, and you have a year to do so." Cue the scary music, folks. That's either the "guilty until proven innocent" ruse or the "try to prove a negative" trap. Muhibullah, sensing that falling on the floor laughing was not his best next move, calmly asked how he might do as the panel suggested. "Write him," was the reply. "We know that it is difficult but you need to do your best," they added. Ah, yes, always do your best. After all, I'm confident that the mail service between the prisoners in Gitmo Bay and any former Taliban provincial governor will sail through and Muhibullah will be home before Christmas. Heck, if he uses FedEx he could be back in time for the annual Fourth of July parade and picnic in Kabul. I understand the fireworks there can be pretty impressive.

Next, we face the question of how long we're going to hold these people - the really bad; the regular bad; the not-so-bad; and the forlorn souls who've been dumped in the we're-pretty-sure-you're-at-least-a-little-bad bucket. I have no problem with holding enemy combatants for an indefinite period during a war; it's the time-honored POW tradition. War on - POWs locked up. War over - POWs go home. But - when will the war on terror be over? Won't it last for ... uh ... ever? At least we know that the war in Iraq was completed on May 1, 2003, when the commander-in-chief descended from the sky and declared "Mission Accomplished" onboard the USS Lincoln. In keeping with POW tradition, shouldn't someone have gotten their get-out-of-Gitmo card at that time?

I'm certain there are some prisoners in Gitmo who deserve a long-to-life sentence. But I suspect there are others who deserve something less, maybe much less. I hope we can sift the Gitmo sand with a finer granularity and start to separate these people into reasonable categories, like we do with everyone else imprisoned under our jurisdiction. Once again, we should open the windows, if not the doors, let in some more light and fresh air, and conduct this business with a little more oversight from the American public. Long live the Freedom of Information Act.

And, can we get a picture ID for the two Abdurs in question; and how about a courier to hand deliver the mail for Muhibullah?