The Four Corners

I told my daughter and her fiancé that my fee for officiating at their wedding was that they had to listen to me for about four or five minutes. In spite of that steep cost, they decided to proceed. Now, anyone reading this post gets to pay the same price.

I devoted those few minutes to the suggestion that there are four corners to the union now being built by this newly married couple. I suggest that all marriages should be built on these corners.

First Corner

§ Understand the true meaning of love. We must understand that true love is not about how someone makes us feel; it’s not about the things that someone does for us. Those things are about us and about what we’re getting out of the relationship; they’re not about the other person. Therefore, those things don’t tell us enough to know whether we truly love that person.

§ Rather, true love is being dedicated to the growth and well being of another person. It’s the kind of love that a parent experiences for a child. The challenge is to find that same true love in a marriage. If we find that we’re consistently motivated by this kind of dedication to someone else, then there’s a very good chance that we truly love that person.

Second Corner

§ We should make a full commitment to our partner. Contrary to some popular wisdom, marriage is not a 50/50 deal; it’s not about two people meeting in the middle. A 50/50 commitment allows no margin for error. If one person in the relationship is lacking only 1% on a given day, the connection between them can be broken.

§ Rather, marriage is a 100/100 commitment in which each person goes beyond the middle to meet the other person where they are. A 100/100 commitment leaves a large margin for error. It allows both people in the relationship to be lacking on a given day, or one person to be substantially less than their best at a given time, without the connection between them being broken.

Third Corner

§ Communicate, Communicate, Communicate! Couples should communicate with each other early and often. They should be proactive and preventative in that communication, rather than just reactive or reparative. And, every couple should be aware of the onset of any pattern of passive-aggressive silence; it can be a warning sign.

Fourth Corner – The Cornerstone

§ Above all other objectives, seek and find peace. We should seek peace in our individual lives; in our marriages; in our homes; and with God. The presence or absence of peace is the most reliable barometer of success in each dimension of our daily life.

§ We should remember that we can have peace in poverty and in wealth; we can have peace in sickness and in health. We can have peace at any time, at any place, and under any circumstance, be it good or bad. This is true because peacefulness is about the condition of our heart. Its presence or absence is determined by whether our heart is filled with love or filled with fear. If we’re in the grip of fear, peace is not possible. If our heart is filled with true love, then we’ve come back around to the first corner and the foundation of our united relationship is sound.

At least that’s my theory as conveyed to two people I love on the most important day of their life. I could be wrong; but as a temporarily deputized Commissioner of Civil Marriages under the laws of the great State of California, I seriously doubt it.