The Pitter Pat of Little Minds

A blog posting has fallen from heaven – personally delivered by none other than God. Pat Robertson opened his mouth, lip synched for none other than God, and postings fell from heaven into blogs throughout the free world. When Pitter Pat speaks, everyone listens; then everyone except the terminally insane either laughs or cries. If Pitter Pat doesn’t make you either convulse with laughter or fear for the well being of your descendants, then you need to check yourself into the nearest mental health facility.

Pitter Pat says that God spoke to him recently, during his “annual personal prayer retreat”. If that’s the case, then God needs to get out more; God needs to stop retreating. Someone needs to introduce God to some new people. Pitter Pat is making people laugh at God because, like children, God says the darndest things when s/he gets channeled by Pitter Pat. In this latest not-so-close encounter of the third kind, God has become a weatherman. Pitter Pat has previously spoken for God as news anchor. I suspect sports is up next, probably during the 2007 retreat.

Pitter Pat says that his god told him “the coasts of America will be lashed by storms” this year. Well, I think it’s safe to say that we can put that one in the “No shit, Sherlock” rain barrel. After the 2005 hurricane season, third graders from Portland, Maine, to Portland, Oregon, are making playground predictions about bad storms hitting the American coasts again this year. Pitter Pat’s god is not much of risk taker in the prediction business. I expect something more profound from God in that regard. S/he should at least let us know if the levees will hold this year. That would be helpful.

Speaking of Portland, Oregon, Pitter Pat one-ups the third graders by informing us that his god says we’re in for a tsunami somewhere in the Northwest this year. Actually, Pitter Pat’s god is a little tentative on that one. S/he told Pat, “There may well be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.” Apparently Pitter Pat’s god hasn’t quite decided what will happen yet. I expect something more definitive from God in that regard. S/he should at least let us know if the Space Needle is in danger. That would be helpful. I’ll bet waves of apprehension about this lack of divine clarity are already passing through Portland and Seattle.

Can you imagine what this world would be like if we all agreed to just one rule – God does not talk to people – never has; never will. If that rule were in effect, it’s possible that the natural peace that flows from the hand of a peaceful Creator might have a chance to reign in the hearts and minds of mankind because our hearts and minds would be immeasurably quieter places. As every parent knows, peace and quiet walk hand in hand.

If that rule can’t be accepted because mankind demands a Big, Bad Talking God, meaning a God who talks like we talk, then the next candidate for Rule No. 1 would be – if God does talk to people, God does not talk through one person to or for another person – intermediaries need not apply. God does not talk to Pitter Pat about you, me or anyone else. God does not talk about other people; s/he is not a gossiping god.

People who hear the voice of God are, indeed, hearing voices – their own voices, voices from the legion of fears, delusions and ego-based judgments that live in their crowded and hyperactive heads.

We’re all balled up about national security these days; but that’s fair; it’s an insecure world we live in. We’re now constantly identifying threats to our security, which is probably what we should be doing. But we must never fail to identify the threats to our well being that are already among our ranks. Remember Pogo: “We have met the enemy and he is us.” Pat Robertson and his ilk are a clear and present danger; they are as threatening to our national well being as their brethren, the Islamic fundamentalists. They are fear mongers and extremists; they are purveyors of prejudice and meanness. Threats are their stock and trade. They just raise the ante by telling us that they speak in the name of their god.

The world does not need a pretend prophet telling us America should assassinate Hugo Chavez or that Ariel Sharon’s stroke was divine retribution for the pullout from the Gaza Strip or that Hurricane Katrina was payback from heaven for the sins of New Orleans. That is the voice of vanity not the voice of God.

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain.” Exodus 20:6. Synonyms for the word “vain” are most instructive: ineffective, hopeless, unsuccessful, idle, unproductive, futile, useless, worthless, empty, fruitless, and, ironically, abortive. Whenever they claim to speak in the name of the Lord their God, Pitter Pat and his pattering partners should listen carefully to the Voice from the mountaintop, rather than the clamoring voices from the shadowed valley of vanity where they walk.