Four Agreements

When my oldest son and I recently answered one of the circulating surveys that included a question about our favorite books, we both listed The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. My wife seconds our nomination. She and I have read it several times and recommend it to anyone and everyone. I probably need to read it monthly.

The premise of the book is simple: our lives will be filled with much more peace and happiness if we keep four agreements with ourselves:

1. Be impeccable with our word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do our best.

First, be impeccable with our word. That can be a significant challenge for most of us; I know it’s a challenge for me. I have a better than fair ability to use words, but that ability gets me into as much difficulty as it gets me through. I know many other people who find that their ability to express themselves is both a blessing and a curse – they say too much, too often, on too many subjects. Bloggers are a prime example. We’ve been taught by wise people from the dawn of time to be careful about our use of words because the flawed use of words is at the root of so many of our problems, especially relationship problems.

A friend of mine at work teaches an invaluable lesson – stop using adjectives and adverbs unless it’s necessary to avoid uncertainty. For example, he would be okay with “oldest” son; but he would not be okay with “invaluable” lesson. Similarly, in his book, Being Peace, Thich Nhat Hanh says “Reality, ultimate reality, is free from all adjectives.” He points out that since the 13th century Buddhists monks have been taught “to cleanse [themselves] of all these adjectives.” We would be well advised to heed this advice.

Second, don’t take anything personally. Oh, Brother Miguel, don’t kick me when I’m down. This one goes to the heart of an overwhelming percentage of my “problems” with other people. Observation tells me that it goes to the heart of an overwhelming percentage of the problems that I see other people have with other people. Our shared problem is not the other people.

The point to be learned is simple to state but hard to digest: we should not take anything personally because what is being said or done by someone else is not about us; it’s always about the person who is speaking or doing. At first, that may seem hard to understand, but upon closer inspection and a few moments of thought, its truth becomes apparent; and it’s a truth with liberating power.

Third, don’t make assumptions. Law students are taught this principle repeatedly. Assumptions undermine our success and our relationships. They can be so deeply embedded that we aren’t aware of their presence. Assumptions define so much of our worldview that it’s safe to say that most of us are viewing a dream world of our own creation.

The challenge is to separate what we know, which can be a molehill, from what we assume, which can be a mountain. We’re experts, indeed, in the art of turning molehills into mountains. The greater the number of assumptions we hold and the more certain we are about them, then the greater the impediment they are to our search for truth and our ability to live in reality.

Fourth, always do our best. Many, perhaps most, of us may think that we do okay with this agreement; but we should make sure that we’re not caught in a trap. The trap lies in ignoring the word “our” and focusing on the word “best”. Our best means what it says; it isn’t referring to anyone else’s best. But, more importantly, it doesn’t mean our absolute best or our potential best, it means doing the best we can do here and now under the circumstances of the present moment. That means our best on Monday might be different than our best on Friday; our best when we’re healthy will be different than when we’re sick.

This agreement is meant to relieve us from the pressure and self-judgment we impose on ourselves in the forest of yardsticks that so many of wander through day after day. We’re constantly measuring ourselves and all too frequently we conclude that we “come up short”. Short as compared to what? As compared to someone else’s expectations? We’re almost guaranteed to regularly come up short of someone’s expectations. As compared to our own expectations? We’re often going to fail to meet those because we don’t have the same capacity day in and day out. This invites a separate discussion of the need to manage expectations and the disappointments that flow from them.

My personal report card: I’m doing well with Agreements 3 and 4; still struggling with Agreements 1 and 2. I need to take some additional steps to keep all four agreements in mind more often in my daily life.

I encourage everyone to read the book and visit the Ruiz website at http://www.miguelruiz.com/teachings/fouragreements.html. I also recommend a second book by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Voice of Knowledge, which I’m in the process of reading for the third time. That book challenges us all to consider that we fell down the rabbit hole with Alice and need to climb back out into the clear light of day.