Hey, Sport - Poker is Not One of You

Can we all agree on something that seems beyond obvious – poker is not a sport! The “World Series of Poker” is going on right now and it’s being covered in the sports section of the newspaper. What’s that about? Just because someone hangs a “World Series” tag on something doesn’t make it a sport. What’s in next weeks sports section – a friggin’ bridge “tournament”?

Assuming there’s any news in a group of people playing poker for a big wad, it should go in the entertainment section, which is filled with “news” about the things people do with time and money to waste. I have nothing against poker or most anything else that people do for entertainment, but just because they’re having fun or are engaged in some “activity” or are involved in some degree of “competition” against other people doesn’t make their pastime a sport. It’s equally obvious that just because something isn’t a sport doesn’t mean that it’s not worthwhile and enjoyable (wow, that’s a seldom-used triple negative; I should probably rewrite it, but I don’t want to because they’re so rare). People can have a lot of fun sending a lot of time and losing a lot of money at a card table – it just isn’t a sport.

I’ll be the first to admit that there’s a measure of luck in most sports, but it’s not the ever-present and dominate reality like it is in poker. You can be the best poker “player” in the world and get absolutely tromped time and time again by nothing more than the proverbial “bad draw”. Also, you can bet on a sport, but you can’t bet in a sport. If you bet on a sport while you’re playing in that sport, then they’ll kick you out of the sport. In fact, you can be banned for life for betting on while you’re playing in.

Sports involves athletes and athletic training; sports involves extraordinary physical skills and amazing hand-eye coordination; sports involves jumping high, running fast, hitting long, throwing hard, and shooting straight when there’s a hand in your face or a body on your back; sports have referees, umpires, linesmen and field judges; sports have clocks, timers, innings, quarters, half time, periods, overtime, and sudden death; sports involves penalty flags, penalty kicks, and penalty shots; sports involves keeping score in points, runs, baskets, goals, times, percentages and other stats that people talk and argue about on Monday morning; sports have record books that kids dream about getting into some day.

Sports are what they do at the Olympics; sports are what cheerleaders cheer for in high school and college; sports involves coaches, managers, trainers, travel secretaries, ball boys, and ball girls; sports involves teams or teamwork among individuals or individuals doing what could be done by teams; sports have people wearing uniforms that have names, numbers, team affiliations, and sponsor logos on them; sports gets people on the front of a Wheaties box or into Gatorade commercials. Sports are … well, you know … sports.

Now that I’m on the subject, I don’t think hunting and fishing are sports, either, and putting them in the sports section of the paper is only slightly more appropriate than putting poker in there. Hunting and fishing are, respectively, hunting and fishing. Just because a few guys get together, stop shaving, get sweaty, stop showering, take deep breathes of fresh air, and scratch their crotches while drinking beer together doesn’t make it a sport. In this instance, sudden death isn’t enough to make it a sport. It’s an outdoor activity; nothing more, nothing less. It can be damn good fun, but if there’s any news associated with it then put that news in the outdoor section or the entertainment section. Or, start calling the sports section the “Sports and Outdoor Activities” section. Just make it clear that these things aren’t sports.

And, dog racing – dog racing isn’t a sport, either. I’ll cut horse racing a little slack because the jockeys are athletes who train hard and meet several of the criteria for sports. But dog racing – that is not a sport. Anyone who has ever made the mistake of placing a bet on a greyhound knows that dogs are just as likely to stop in the backstretch and take a dump as they are to keep chasing that mechanical rabbit. In fact that word picture points out a couple of other criteria for identifying a sport – if taking a dump or a mechanical rabbit is involved, it isn’t a sport.

Are we clear on this? Because if we’re not clear on this, I could go on and on for a very long time.